What I wrote about last was about Stephen and the opposition he faced when puting the truth out to the Jews. I had all intentions of sharing with you about how God showed me what love means through this. Things like how Stephen chose to love like Christ in sharing the truth even though he knew that it wouldn't be received and that has really changed how I look at loving others. It means more than just loving when you don't want to. It means loving when you know you NEED to and regardless of the response. Well I could continue on and give you a chunk of some great biblical truths which would be great but I'd like to go a little deeper into some heart stuff. This is some of what I wrote in my journal on Wednesday morning. As much as I have been learning about and have been wrestling with what love is and how to love, here is where I am at throughout this time and how I am choosing to respond and it's all I know how to do!
"Jesus, it's so hard to choose. That's all I can think of right now. Your example is one I want to follow but it is hard. It just is. The truth is that I have been hurt. I have been wronged and how do I not hold those hurts agianst people? Especially people who were/are my friends that I have chosen to love but have only hurt back. Walking into relationshps selflessly is how. It usually starts with good intentions and then things go wrong....promises are broken and hurt happens. What do I choose in those situations? Typically I choose to stay hurt and to stay in that "you're undeserving" state. But I desire to learn how to choose love and that means.....choosing a GOD focus! The more I know You and who You are, the more I know love and how to love others, yes, that must be it. I hear my sisters in my community and what they are struggling with and my first response? Why don't I know what is going on in their lives? Why don't I know how to pray for them? A relationship should be reciprocal of course but I realize that for as much of a giver as I feel I am in relationships, I have somehow given with a self focus. I'll do this or that thing with the hopes that they will do this or that in return. I am not loving from an abundance of Christ's love. If I was then I would not struggle with these things. The love of Christ would compel me to choose to love others. I need to KNOW and SEEK the heart of GOD and who He is!"
So that's the quest I am currently on....to know God. To really know and expereice Him. To take my eyes off the stuff around me and any overwhelming feelings that I tend to rest in. On Thursdays I have been going to a young adult ministry. I enjoy it so much and this past Thrusday they sang a song called the Desert song. Everything in it resonated with me. I feel like I am in valleys, in deserts and I want to throw up my hands and scream "this is too hard! I am tired of the lessons and trials! of hard conversations and broken relationships!" But it was so simple as I lifted my voice in this song....I will praise Him. I will choose to know Him and stand on HIM and His promises because while people fail and change and this world rages on, He is still the same.
This is my prayer in the desert:
The Desert Song
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow
