It’s only been 2 weeks and I feel like everything has already been flipped upside down….in a good way though, let me explain. A part of living in this community is getting to know one another and learning how to live with one another. For us that has meant getting to know each other’s personalities and how we communicate. It has meant that for me and more than that, getting to know myself. You know, it’s funny because I guess I thought I knew that already! But this week it was a struggle. We’ve done a few personality evaluations during these 2 weeks in which case I’ve learned I’m a retriever/beaver/otter(I’ll explain that someday) and a lovley combination of letters that are suppose to compose my personality and tell everything about who I am….supposedly. I know it’s meant to be a summary/overview, but I started to look at those things that the test said I was. Ok, so maybe I agreed here and there with what results were stating but was that me? And if so, am I happy with that?
When I moved out here I got so excited to be out on my own and have a new experience. I have to admit that mostly I came with the expectation of starting over…..compleltey and that meant, who I am. I can be whoever I want to be right? I mean a person can change and be what they want to be right? Or are you, at the end of the day at your core, who you are. These have been just some of the questions I’ve been tossing around latley. Because of this, I have found myself questioning everything. Am I who I am? Or who people see me to be/expect me to be? I’m on my own now, and I don’t have these familiar people around me anymore, what that does that mean for who I am and how I act? And as for being in this living situation, do these people really know who I am and really accept me? And does that matter?
Whew! a lot of questions right? But I was determined to seek it out. This wasn’t the first time I doubted myself and felt insecure, it was just on a grander scale because I was “alone,” away from home and it left me feeling drained and weary. So what did I find out? I spent time in prayer and reading and God revealed some things to me.
First of all, I hate boxes, I’ve never done well with them, little have I known that I’ve been living in one! I look at others and see the potential and growth they have yet don’t see it in me. He showed me the importance of seeing myself the way that He sees me. Psalm 139:4 “Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. ;13,14″For you created my inmost being, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” He knows who I am, He created me, every little detail was put there for a reason,, therefore the only approval that truly matters is His. He also showed me who I was. I wrote down the things that I see that I am. Seperate from expectation or perception. I saw that they didn’t fit convention, it seemed to show some minor opposites. He showed me, that’s ok! It doesn’t fit a forumula and that’s how it was meant to be for me!
So who am I? I’m talkative, and quiet, I’m a finisher AND a starter, people and task oriented, a leader and a follower, friendly, and like to be around people and likes to be alone sometimes. I can speak up and I can hang back. I am unique, I don’t fit into a box or label or convention….I am me! I am energized to just be. To live w/out conditions, and on no one’s terms but HIS. To know that when others put limitations on me or say things like “oh well you just don’t do that” or “you are like that? guess I just haven’t seen that yet, never would have thought that…” I can reply “that’s how God made me” or just be confident in how He’s leading me. People are always going to label and assume, but I don’t have to buy it.
On to other things 🙂 I got my internship placement! working w/the world race! (a program where people experience ministry in 11 countries in 11 months)God has sense of humor cause it was not my first choice going in but my whole view changed when I got to ask about it, God changed my whole view on everything and I’m so excited! I’ll write more abt that later! It starts Monday. Schedule Mon- Thurs 10 to 4 or 5. I’ll be helping with training camps, talking with people on the phone and emailing, encouraging support raising and helping develop things with the program. Please pray for me as I get started!
I’m so glad that I got to share my heart with you. It means alot. It’s alot of stuff to share but what can I say, I’ve been learning alot! Thanks! I have some picutres to add but that will have to be another entry, I left my camera at training camp and am waiting on it! Until then!
